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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Who are we kidding?
Okay, here is my attempt to recreate the entry I accidentally deleted the other day.
Things are not quite as perfect as I lead everyone to believe.... Don't get me wrong, there's nothing seriously wrong or anything, but there are days where I really sit and wonder, What the HELL did we do? How did we get here?
What am I talking about you may ask? Let me explain....
Phil works a ton. He wakes up every morning at 5am, is out the door at 5:30 and doesn't get home until 7:15pm! He walks in the door, eats a re-heated dinner, plays with the kiddos while I clean up the kitchen and then we go upstairs, watch a movie together and put the kids to bed. If he's lucky, he will get an hour or so to do things for him and then it's time for bed. : ( It's starting to take it's toll. On both him and me.
Him - Well, it's obvious. The guy is dead tired! He's never been the type that identified with his career. He HATES to work overtime and doesn't understand those who don't mind it. This is killing him. : (
Me - Simple. I hate to see my husband so unhappy. : ( Oh, he claims, he's okay, but I know better. He is NOT happy. As he explained to me the other day, he spends 2 1/2 work days each week, just traveling to work! WOW! The demands at work are unreal. Ahhh, such as life at a big law firm. It could be worse, he could work for a firm that bills hourly. Phil's firm doesn't do that. They bill per job. At least that gives him a little flexibility, but they still expect an awful lot from him. He gets "vacation" and "sick/personal" days but he can't use them. He told me he hates to take a day off because he dreads what he knows what will be waiting for him when he returns. For those who don't understand the law profession, know this... these people work ALL the time. I mean ALL the time. They are there the day after Thanksgiving. (and were mildly annoyed that Phil wasn't) You will find them there late evenings and weekends... heck one guy was bragging that he made it in to the office hours after his wife gave birth. Wtf is that?! They live for the firm. The chance to make partner and earn millions. :: rolling eyes:: Sad huh? Yet, the way things are. Most people care more about making $$ than having time with their families.
Well, Phil is the complete opposite. We have never been on the "partner track." Never cared about making a TON of $$. Family time is way more important to us. We make enough to live comfortable lives. We are satisfied with what we have. Wouldn't it be nice, if the partners, would just be happy if Phil worked his 40 hours (and still made them a ton of $$ btw) and did a good job. Ha! It would be, but it will never happen.
So, where do we go from here? What do we do now that we have moved back to the metro area have a huge ass mortgage? Are we stuck here? Did we make a HUGE mistake? Either by selling our first home or by not trying harder in C'ville? Phil insists that his work load would have been the same had he never quit so it wasn't because he came back to the firm. (Basically another attorney quit and Phil got his work on top of his own.) That it would have happened no matter what. Hmmmm.... So, that kind of makes me think why did we ever sell our first house? We could have been in the same situation, except with a much lower mortgage and a 15 minute shorter commute for Phil. : \
Lots to think about.... I feel so badly for Phil. And to be honest, I feel bad for us. We don't get to spend the time with him that we want to. The kids miss him, I miss him! I hate that he is gone so often. I feel like I am really selfish. That maybe I should have convinced him to keep trying in C'ville. But I couldn't do that because I was not happy there. Once I saw an "escape" I ran with it. Hence the reason this move all happened so quickly. I was RIGHT there, ready to get us all moved back to the area. :: sigh :: So, is this all my fault?
In any case, we are here now. No turning back... What are our options now that we are here? Well, we can "deal with it" and stay put but I don't see that as being realistic. We aren't happy. Doesn't that just seem ridiculous? To outsiders it probably seems like we "have it all" and there are plenty of people who would probably scoff at us and wonder what the heck we're whining about. Part of me can understand that. But again, it's not about money. It's never been about money. Although, I will admit, the money is nice and I do enjoy knowing that we are comfortable and don't really need to worry about paying the bills, etc. Maybe I care more about the money than I'll admit. I don't need to be rich to be happy but I do like being comfortable. We spent many years where we lived paycheck to paycheck and I'll be honest, it SUCKS and I do not EVER want to go back there. Is that wrong? Does it make me a shallow person?
Phil wants to go work for a corporation. No biggie right? Wrong! Why? There are no corporations in this area. If there were, every patent attorney out there, would be swarming them for jobs. Ha! Who could blame them? 8-5 workday, with an actual lunch break, paid vacations you can actually USE, sick/personal time, usually great benefits, etc. etc. Ahhhh, sounds so nice. The catch... we would need to move. Where? Not sure yet but out of Virginia. : \ :: sigh :: I love Virginia. I hate moving. We JUST moved. TWICE. The thought of moving again makes me ill.
What to do, what to do.... I know there are people out there with real problems and to them this would just seem so trivial and silly, but to us, it's big. It's not the end of the world but still it's there and we need to deal with it.
I guess we will pray and wait and see what happens. We won't do anything until after the baby is born. I did tell Phil to at least look and let me know what areas we *may* move to so I can start looking at houses. ;) Who knows. This is an expensive area. Maybe we'll find a much cheaper area and end up with a nice low mortgage. Maybe, it won't be so bad after all....
Things are not quite as perfect as I lead everyone to believe.... Don't get me wrong, there's nothing seriously wrong or anything, but there are days where I really sit and wonder, What the HELL did we do? How did we get here?
What am I talking about you may ask? Let me explain....
Phil works a ton. He wakes up every morning at 5am, is out the door at 5:30 and doesn't get home until 7:15pm! He walks in the door, eats a re-heated dinner, plays with the kiddos while I clean up the kitchen and then we go upstairs, watch a movie together and put the kids to bed. If he's lucky, he will get an hour or so to do things for him and then it's time for bed. : ( It's starting to take it's toll. On both him and me.
Him - Well, it's obvious. The guy is dead tired! He's never been the type that identified with his career. He HATES to work overtime and doesn't understand those who don't mind it. This is killing him. : (
Me - Simple. I hate to see my husband so unhappy. : ( Oh, he claims, he's okay, but I know better. He is NOT happy. As he explained to me the other day, he spends 2 1/2 work days each week, just traveling to work! WOW! The demands at work are unreal. Ahhh, such as life at a big law firm. It could be worse, he could work for a firm that bills hourly. Phil's firm doesn't do that. They bill per job. At least that gives him a little flexibility, but they still expect an awful lot from him. He gets "vacation" and "sick/personal" days but he can't use them. He told me he hates to take a day off because he dreads what he knows what will be waiting for him when he returns. For those who don't understand the law profession, know this... these people work ALL the time. I mean ALL the time. They are there the day after Thanksgiving. (and were mildly annoyed that Phil wasn't) You will find them there late evenings and weekends... heck one guy was bragging that he made it in to the office hours after his wife gave birth. Wtf is that?! They live for the firm. The chance to make partner and earn millions. :: rolling eyes:: Sad huh? Yet, the way things are. Most people care more about making $$ than having time with their families.
Well, Phil is the complete opposite. We have never been on the "partner track." Never cared about making a TON of $$. Family time is way more important to us. We make enough to live comfortable lives. We are satisfied with what we have. Wouldn't it be nice, if the partners, would just be happy if Phil worked his 40 hours (and still made them a ton of $$ btw) and did a good job. Ha! It would be, but it will never happen.
So, where do we go from here? What do we do now that we have moved back to the metro area have a huge ass mortgage? Are we stuck here? Did we make a HUGE mistake? Either by selling our first home or by not trying harder in C'ville? Phil insists that his work load would have been the same had he never quit so it wasn't because he came back to the firm. (Basically another attorney quit and Phil got his work on top of his own.) That it would have happened no matter what. Hmmmm.... So, that kind of makes me think why did we ever sell our first house? We could have been in the same situation, except with a much lower mortgage and a 15 minute shorter commute for Phil. : \
Lots to think about.... I feel so badly for Phil. And to be honest, I feel bad for us. We don't get to spend the time with him that we want to. The kids miss him, I miss him! I hate that he is gone so often. I feel like I am really selfish. That maybe I should have convinced him to keep trying in C'ville. But I couldn't do that because I was not happy there. Once I saw an "escape" I ran with it. Hence the reason this move all happened so quickly. I was RIGHT there, ready to get us all moved back to the area. :: sigh :: So, is this all my fault?
In any case, we are here now. No turning back... What are our options now that we are here? Well, we can "deal with it" and stay put but I don't see that as being realistic. We aren't happy. Doesn't that just seem ridiculous? To outsiders it probably seems like we "have it all" and there are plenty of people who would probably scoff at us and wonder what the heck we're whining about. Part of me can understand that. But again, it's not about money. It's never been about money. Although, I will admit, the money is nice and I do enjoy knowing that we are comfortable and don't really need to worry about paying the bills, etc. Maybe I care more about the money than I'll admit. I don't need to be rich to be happy but I do like being comfortable. We spent many years where we lived paycheck to paycheck and I'll be honest, it SUCKS and I do not EVER want to go back there. Is that wrong? Does it make me a shallow person?
Phil wants to go work for a corporation. No biggie right? Wrong! Why? There are no corporations in this area. If there were, every patent attorney out there, would be swarming them for jobs. Ha! Who could blame them? 8-5 workday, with an actual lunch break, paid vacations you can actually USE, sick/personal time, usually great benefits, etc. etc. Ahhhh, sounds so nice. The catch... we would need to move. Where? Not sure yet but out of Virginia. : \ :: sigh :: I love Virginia. I hate moving. We JUST moved. TWICE. The thought of moving again makes me ill.
What to do, what to do.... I know there are people out there with real problems and to them this would just seem so trivial and silly, but to us, it's big. It's not the end of the world but still it's there and we need to deal with it.
I guess we will pray and wait and see what happens. We won't do anything until after the baby is born. I did tell Phil to at least look and let me know what areas we *may* move to so I can start looking at houses. ;) Who knows. This is an expensive area. Maybe we'll find a much cheaper area and end up with a nice low mortgage. Maybe, it won't be so bad after all....
4 Comments:
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If you don't mind me asking, why were you not happy in C'ville? Was it because it was the country? You were renting? Smaller house? All of the above?
I am sorry, Dana. I hope you guys figure out what you need to do so everyone can be happier.
I'm not sure why I wasn't really happy in C'ville... I guess it was a combination of things. I love this area. I always have. As much as I love the country for the scenery, the peacefulness, etc. I hate being so far from activity. I hate having to drive a half an hour to the closest mall and then there is ONE. I hate having to drive a half an hour to get *anywhere*... the renting was part of it, as I hated the rental but I knew we were going to be building so I could have dealt with that... I think it was just everything combined. Not having the security of Phil having a steady job. The uncertainty of working for himself, while trying to build a new home, deal with being pregnant, etc. etc. It was just oo much I think.
In any case, I know it will all work out. I have complete faith that God has a plan and that we will be okay... I just hate not knowing and really I want to settle down already. I don't want to move every couple of years. I want to find a place to live where our kiddos can grow up. But most importantly, I want my husband to be happy.
Thanks Heather. :heart
I know another move seems unbearable but if you look past that,would it be worth it?
J works long hours during the holiday season, i can't imagine that year round :(
You sound like me, dream of living in a small towm but i know i wouldn't be happy being that far from everything. I love to have everything at feet and a lot of it.
You are also not awful for not wanting to go back to living paycheck to paycheck. We have also moved passed that I pray we never go back. Thta doesn't make you a bad person for not wanting to go back.
I really hope you can find a solution and you two can be happy with it and yourself.
Lots of hugs.